I’ve always appreciated science and its processes - Research, hypothesize, observe, test multiple times, observe again, compare with previous results, come to a conclusion, educate others.
Despite my fascination with scientific discoveries, what I appreciate even more is personal experience - Living, breathing, feeling, listening, watching, knowing.
For me, experience is alive, it is moving and continuous. There isn’t a fixed beginning and an absolute end. Experience reflects the nature of life itself, the ongoing and incomprehensible cycle of giving, taking, destroying, replenishing, opening, closing, creating and releasing. I feel comfortable relating to this embodied world. Although I curiously dip my toes into the scientific pool on a regular basis, (thrilled by the latest revelations), the only absolute truth that I live by is that which has been proven to me by first existing within me.
Regarding current philosophies, dogmas, conclusions, opinions, suspicions and judgments, I prefer to reside in the neutral position. Life consistently reveals to me how easily something I swore was true yesterday can be trumped by something new - A humbling experience that I’ve consciously chosen to avoid.
In reality, how can anyone say they know the absolute truth? Is that even possible?
There are select moments however, where perhaps still naively, I feel that I have earned adequate personal experience to maintain a strong position. My argument is debated a millions times over, (of course, only between the multiple personalities in my head) but still, I win the debate every time. When I feel a sense of confidence and assurity, this is one of the rare occasions that I confidently share my opinions.
I don’t know how everyone else is handling this, but within these very strange and often polarising times, I’m feeling confused. I’m feeling confused by my ability to maintain a compassionate and neutral relationship to another’s strong opinion when it opposes that which I feel deeply passionate about.
I’m trying really hard to appreciate that someone else may feel just as passionately about a conflicting view, and I understand that non-judgement is the more mature and respectful position to hold, however, if I were to claim that I’m not judging those with a contrary belief to mine, then I would be lying.
Does anyone else struggle with this too?
I do find myself capable of maintaining a level of mutual respect and appreciation for the other belief in that I don’t resolve to hatred and verbal condemnation. This being said, I do one hundred percent quietly judge my opposers for their beliefs, (sometimes even loudly to intimate friends).
How on earth could I not? How can I, a vulnerable, emotion-filled human, maintain my strong-willed opinion based on what I deem to be more than adequate embodied experience whilst maintaining a non-judgemental perception simultaneously? Is that even possible?
Can someone who has done this please tell me how they handle it and sleep at night?
Here’s an example: I'm a mother of a rambunctious and beautifully social almost two-year old boy. I feel very strongly about some of my parenting beliefs, specifically in regards to honouring and supporting his emotional needs.
After surviving many sleepless nights, both from Noah kicking my ass with multiple wake ups and my own psychosis of questioning whether I’m doing the right thing to be a good mother, I’m learning to follow my intuition.
So, when I hear about others following techniques that seem ignorantly abusive towards their children, emotionally traumatic at the very least, I can’t help but judge. I don’t feel that treating any child this way is acceptable. In most cases, what I label as emotionally abusive parenting arises not from what others do partake in, but actually from what they don’t do - An absence of connection, listening, touching, acknowledgement and physically showing love. Shaming is something I judge as well, (just had to add that to the list).
Disclaimer: I’m not claiming that I have any of this mothering thing figured out!
I’m learning everyday - mostly by making mistakes and feeling quite guilty about them afterwards. This being said, I do have strong intentions of how I would like to parent and they constantly guide me to try to be the best mother I can be, even when it feels like it opposes the norm.
I’m not going to expand on this example as it will turn into an emotionally driven roller coaster packed with indignant reasons why I’m right and another is wrong, which I hate hate hate. I am, however, prepared to question myself…
I recognize that the most powerful critic of my life choices and decisions is my inner critic. I recognise that I’m always trying to be a good person and understandably I’m inspired and strangled by my greatest karmic gift - a laser sharp intuition and the ability to see, hear and feel everything, (especially things that aren’t even mine to feel). I recognize that despite my unique gifts, I must remain both a teacher and a humble student, constantly cycling between knowing and being and doing.
I admit that my ability to discern what I should care about is sometimes biased, ignorant and blurred. I recognise that I’m still amidst a deep process of defining my place in this world. At forty-one, I’m still learning to use my adult voice.
Regardless of my ‘accepted flaws’, I’m having a hard time accepting my judgment of others, and motherhood has taken my passion to a whole other level.
Perhaps it’s okay to admit that I judge you if you don’t agree with me?
Perhaps this is where a concept ends and necessary universal transformation begins?
Is it possible that I'm trying to convince myself to share more of the truths that remain nestled intimately next to my heart?
Now yuck, wouldn’t this expose me to the judgment of others too?
Absolutely it will.
Let's hope I’m now strong enough to know it’s happening and continue to speak anyways. Maybe this could enable a deeper understanding of my own vulnerable and imperfect being? Would this allow others to explore and accept their own perfectly flawed characters as well?
So why am I suddenly considering sitting in the vulnerable seat again?
I’ll tell you - When I’m repeatedly woken up at 3am by strings of words, phrases, titles and concepts knocking at the walls of my cognitive brain, I get a sense it’s only fair to offer them a platform. They may not even be entirely my thoughts anyways, who knows where it all comes from?
So here’s to sharing that which feels true today, knowing that tomorrow it may no longer hold its worth.
Here’s to exposing my vulnerable cavities, the ones I’ve kept closed for a couple of years. As I begin feeling and sharing and judging the opposite, you are welcome to judge me too. I cringe saying it but I guess that’s just how growth works...
xx
Illustration by artist Jungsuk Lee